The perks of being a wallflower.

2010-09-18T19:19:00.003+08:00

hiatus.

i fought the war and the war won
i fought the war but the war won't stop for the love of god...

2010-09-11T23:49:00.005+08:00

2010-09-09T04:06:00.002+08:00

no hope, no harm
just another false alarm

(the story is old i know, but it goes on)

2010-09-08T17:50:00.003+08:00

i am yours now / so i don't ever have to leave...

...

The XX won the Mercury Prize today! :)

1888*

2010-08-27T01:59:00.002+08:00

wawaweeabbey lee swirling about with bits of paper + the XX playing in the background!

1878*

2010-08-22T03:28:00.006+08:00

wow it's sunday already...

i have been busy and i haven't really been at home for quite a bit. instead, i have been wandering and exploring new corners and hidden treasures, having (and enjoying) delicious food, spending time with people who matter and finally giving myself the space i need, away from everything and everyone else.

'people who matter' -> as i grow older and meet more new faces, the group of people whom i would willingly bestow upon this term with grows smaller. and despite that, i think i am in a much happier place now than i was a few years back with more 'close' friends than fingers and toes. i think this is what happens when we grow older. we realise that friendships do not necessarily mean and extend to the people we see and spend time with on a daily basis; that friendship holds so much more weight than that and when i meet these people whom i know matter, i know that i mean as much to them and that is what i would call friendship.

anyway! pictures from trips about town on friday afternoons with mahdi. i love spending time with mahdi.. on our trip home yesternight, we lamented about the lack of like minded friends and kindred souls back in riverside before concluding that at least we met and have one another. even after 4 years, there is no one to me like mahdi is and no one who can possibly fit me the way he does. oh and we also came to conclude that in the event where we end up single, unwanted and unmarried, we are going to IVF and make sexotic super children together (malay + chinese + japanese + indian + .. etc etc mix -> SUPER SEXOTIC KIDS, YO)

asian civilisations museum, 13/08/10:

1878*

2010-08-17T00:32:00.002+08:00

i need to stop letting my walls cave in.

1877*

2010-08-13T01:51:00.008+08:00

today i told myself 'you have to go to school because your A level grades stay with you FOREVER and if you don't help yourself no one can help you' and thus... *drumroll* i finally went to school.

it makes me smile when some of my classmates/tutors come up and smile and say hi and 'wow you're back in school again!' or 'how are you!' because it tells me that i'm not exactly as invisible or minuscule as i think i am. i guess this is one of the things i like and appreciate about 09A06 and PJC and because now i know that some people *do* care, i am going to try to work towards going to school more regularly now.

i took my dad's advice and reversed my 'pill timetable' and well i guess i fall under the category of 'people who get active/restless after taking prozac'. which was probably the reason how i managed to stay up and pay attention to all my classes today. a first for this term, good job ling! (i think mr ling now knows who i am.. i've only attended 2 of his tutorials this term heh)

i met mahdi much later in the evening and because 'true friends share calories', he finished up an entire tub of half baked ben and jerry's from my fridge.. aww.

things i have to do:
1. finish my china studies IS (due next monday)
2. send my roll for developing (hi everyone please rec me cheap places to develop film thanks thanks thanks)
3. pin #khoolerthanchu down for consultation next week
4. prep for pure math test next week
5. start/finish my personal statement
6. GP comprehension and AQ

i feel much more calm + happy now that i have finally exerted some control over the big messy tornado known as my life. :)

1876*

2010-08-08T02:41:00.004+08:00

today i was over at e's house and i said 'i feel so terribly lonely'
i thought i was doing fine with my life being marked by routine
('forced to live like it's a curfew...' comes to mind)
but i was eating my feelings and that
becomes overwhelming
over time

1875*

2010-08-04T02:04:00.003+08:00

i have decided i am officially fucked in every sense of the word. the banner hanging in school today said '97 days to A levels' today and as of now, i'm already two hours into the 96th day and good god i'm Definitely not prepared for prelims, let alone As. doesn't help when my moods are fucking hurtling and crashing every few hours - the doctor told me that's what would happen, but god it feels Terrible to be in a giggly fit two hours ago and this close to strangling yourself the next. i hope you enjoy being you cause it sure sucks to be me!

1874*

2010-07-29T00:36:00.004+08:00

OH MY GOD.

this is lisa lobsinger performing 'anthems for a seventeen year old girl' last night!!!! she's so beautiful and lovely and ethereal oh my god. throughout the whole concert, the only word i could think about was 'butterfly' because she was just floating and being ethereal and pretty and she had this dress that i secretly called her 'monarch' dress because it looked like robes made for royalty and yet it was billowing around her frame like wings.

when i spoke to her during the autograph session, she had the most beautiful eyes and skin and smiled at me a few times and APOLOGIZED TO ME FOR BUMPING MY HEAD while sam, leon and i debated on whether or not it would be socially appropriate if we asked 'HI CAN I TOUCH YOUR HAIR'...

1873*

2010-07-28T00:27:00.011+08:00

HOLY SHIT I JUST CAME HOME FROM BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE

AND

BRENDAN CANNING HUGGED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH AND LEON, SAM AND I GOT IN LINE FOR AUTOGRAPHS AND ONE OF THEM DREW A LITTLE MOUSE ON MY BSS BAG BECAUSE I WAS SQUEAKING AND KEPT SQUEALING THINGS LIKE: 'HI HI HI!!! OMG!' AND 'I LOVE YOU!!!!!' AND 'I'VE BEEN LISTENING SINCE I WAS 12!1!!!!'

I ♥ BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE

1872*

2010-07-27T14:18:00.004+08:00

good god. in a bid to sell the broken social scene tickets, i sold my soul and signed up for a hardwarezone forum account, started a thread for it and left my number there for 'very interested buyers'. after selling it to leon (my fellow capper bro), i promptly forgot all about the thread and moved on with my life before i had my nap interrupted by this:

me: "... hello?"

stranger: "are they sold?"

me: "... ... what?"
stranger: "what's your name"
me: (thinking he was from greenhorn productions and calling about corinne tix) "liying"

stranger: "liy.. ?"
me: ".. L-I-Y-I-N-G"

stranger: "are they cap 1 or cap 2 tickets?"
me: (realising he was talking about BSS) ".. oh. shit. um i sold them already. i have yet to edit the thread. sorry."

oh and funny/scary thing was the guy sounded just like yuanhong so i thought yh.. or rather - as he would like to be known now as - LLOYD, wanted to prank me. -_-

1871*

2010-07-26T14:20:00.003+08:00

forced to live like it's a curfew,translation:it means i love you...

1870*

2010-07-26T00:22:00.010+08:00

SELLING:

BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE TIX
27th July, 7:30pm
Seating: Foyer Stalls, Row CC, Seat 56

for
$50

1869*

2010-07-25T02:05:00.000+08:00

my life is: making new playlists and burning them into disks for friends, my china studies independent studies paper, jeffrey eugenides (reread 'the virgin suicides' and i'm halfway through 'my mistress's sparrow is dead'.. so good. going to reread 'middlesex' after this.), coke light (thanks to eugene, i have a 6 pack in my room now), playing corinne bailey rae at night and broken social scene in the day, cold showers at night, personal statements/PQs/SGCs.. the like, hiding in the cubicles in the library to read, drawing in my moleskine through entire lessons, youtube videos (as you can clearly see from the last few posts), trying not to let the smallest things upset me, drown me, engulf me..

from a poem shu sent me back in feb?:

I have only one purpose: to live intensely.

1868*

2010-07-24T22:45:00.005+08:00

worst friday last week. i was late for the 13th time - the only reason why i chose to attend (and this me, epicponstar of PJC 2010 speaking) was because i had to hand up my PQs and CCA records. that meant missing mdm pathrose's lecture and then, ms zaleena's lit tutorial (which is one of the few lessons i truly enjoy in school) because i had to hunt down tutor XYZ just to get a signature to validate my CCA records.

have i ever talked about how much i hate asking favours from people whom i dislike or whom i know that hate my guts? obviously, that was exactly what happened. half the time throughout the lecture over my '(lack of) cca', i was thinking 'omg if you don't want to sign my records, it's cool, i can live with it, i'm not planning to attend university locally, god damn fuck it eck ew fuck argh'..

[RANT]
i suppose she does have a right to hate my guts and i would to if i were her but if i were to assure the other party that i wasn't going to speak from a 'judgemental, vindicative position' (woah), i wouldn't have to go on to say things like 'i can retract my signature anytime i want to', 'don't portray yourself as a victim' (to which i immediately replied 'i am not' because.. srsly?) and kept demanding 'do you have anything to say? don't you have anything to say at all?'. i did, for the record, apologised a number of times but i think it was rather obvious to anyone with relatively substantial EQ that there really isn't much to say in a situation like that. was i supposed to admit that 'i hated the cca and i wanted out' and 'i was barely attending school and that's pretty much why i wasn't attending drama'?

(that said, jaslyn the club secretary did inform me that my participation was actually above 90% - i manage to substantiate all of my absenteeism with letters and MCs, the like, so...)
[/RANT]

anyway i'm just glad that i can completely rule her out and not have to beg her for her signature for future SGC-related shit. lulz.

but it was enough to set me off in a really bad mood, so i went off, found a corner, plugged into crystal castles and waited for eugene to pick me up from school because i was so very sure that if i had to deal with public transport, i was going to explode and cry at the same time.. until marilyn came up and we had a short conversation that really made me feel much better. sometimes i think it's rather sad that marilyn and i have drifted apart and we're not as close as we were back in secondary school, ie prom! but i guess i was just happy and grateful that there are still people around that i can smile and say hi and talk to in school. it makes me feel.. safe and normal for awhile and that was what made my day.

it's the littlest things that keep me going now.

1867*

2010-07-21T01:07:00.004+08:00

i guess some things do fall into place sometimes BECAUSE IN A WEEKS TIME I WILL BE ATTENDING BOTH BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE (27TH) AND CORINNE BAILEY RAE (28TH) AAH!!! feel like a fat kid in a candy store now heh heh.

back when tickets were on sale in may, i remember being horribly spoilt, irrational and disgusting when i texted (almost) everyone (who would bother) about how i couldn't afford to go for both concerts, which concert should i go, etc. no thanks to my disgusting spendthrift habits (i would like to blame some of this to the high costs of living alone without your parents), the money i've already spent a month ago on Kings of Convenience tickets (WHICH I WILL NEVER REGRET.. BEST CONCERT EVER), the lack of people whom i know who would be willing to fork $100+ for CBR and that if i wanted to maintain an economically viable lifestyle (such as being able to afford starbucks), there was no way i was going to afford to go for both.

anyway, i decided to settle for BSS over CBR cause a) my CAP friends are going (yay michelle! yay samuel! and see you at the concert, ZHOU YISHU!!!), b) it's the next best thing to seeing stars/metric/etc.. (i know, weird logic) and c) HELLO, IT'S BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE.

but today!!!! thanks to feveravenue (which is this new, snazzy online community blog thingus.. BTW THEY'RE GIVING AWAY SINGFEST TIX!!! GO CHECK THEIR SITE) and their CBR giveaway, I AM GOING TO CBR I AM GOING TO CBR.

whee!!!!

p.s. will edit and possibly delete most of this incoherenct rubbish when i am in a less excited/more deadpan mood (via normal ling).

1866*

2010-07-18T03:37:00.005+08:00

i'll never get sick of kings of convenience. eirik and erlend are what i want in my ideal man. :)

random fact: KoC's favourite band is the XX!

1865*

2010-07-13T15:09:00.005+08:00

today is tuesday; email me on saturday by tao lin

the secret of life is decisiveness
and to describe something
i see the distance and move immediately into it
now i am really alone
from here i know these things: that a hamster is a lonely fist
that my poems exist to dispel irrational angers, that i want to hold your face
with my face
like a hand
the secret of life is that i miss you, and this describes life
tonight my heart feels shiny and calm as a soft wet star
i describe it from a distance, then move quickly away

1864*

2010-07-10T07:30:00.005+08:00

the problem with people and mistakes is that they never seem to fucking see the magnitude of their actions until it hits them right in the face.

sometimes i cannot decide whether the foresight i have over things is a gift or a curse of sorts. i do not believe in the mystical, but what i do believe in is the ability to read and understand situations, words, people, the things around me so completely that it is almost as if i see things even before they happen.

and they always do, time and time again.

it is almost perverse. knowing that things are going to happen, watching them unfold and waiting for everything to crumble. the hardest thing is knowing that none of my words ever went into your head.

1863*

2010-07-09T00:26:00.005+08:00

i want to wake up to paper cranes hanging from my ceiling. that's what E and I are going to do tomorrow anyway - fold paper cranes and string them up. i think they'll make me feel better, that i am not as alone as i think i am. my dad think it's the whole living alone situation that is getting to my head. maybe. but at least now i'll have my paper cranes with me...

term 3 is starting tomorrow. here's hoping that everything would fall into its own rightful place by the end of the day. everything always does and no one can take away this small slice of hope away from me.

1862*

2010-07-05T23:10:00.004+08:00

i don't understand sad people who feel the need to create fan pages for themselves on fb: think self written 'biography' trumping 'achievements', inviting everyone on your friends list to be your 'fan' (despite the fact that we probably exchanged a line or two in the last.. 5 years), status updates about yourself in 3rd person ('XXX has won a XXX award!', 'XXX is grateful for everyone's support!'.. who are you, Miley Cyrus?), ad infinitum.

ewww.

1861*

2010-06-30T00:16:00.002+08:00

JUST HAD TO POST THIS, hee hee.

1860*

2010-06-27T02:44:00.000+08:00

It is surely the greatest act of revenge in the history of cinema. When American Scott Neustadter was dumped by an English girl, it not only dented his pride, it also inspired him to write a movie about it - which has become a hit in the U.S. Now (500) Days Of Summer is about to be released here, and for once it is the man in the romcom left licking his wounds. Here, Scott reveals why it definitely is not a love story.

The opening credits for my film include the standard legal disclaimer that 'any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental'. But then it adds: 'Especially you, Jenny Beckman. Bitch.'

That tells you a lot about how I felt when she ended a relationship I so desperately, even pathetically, wanted to make work, even though it was always patently clear to me that she saw no future for us. (There's a lot of speculation on the internet about whether that's her real name. I'm saying nothing.)

I first saw her across a room in October 2002, having enrolled at the London School of Economics for a Masters in media and communications.

I had two thoughts almost immediately. The first was that, in her, I had found exactly what I'd been looking for. The second was that this was going to end very, very badly. I was on the rebound from a relationship that had ended months before in New York, where I had been working for a film company.

I had been desolate. You know the drill. Sleepless nights, long days watching Swedish movies and listening to The Smiths on a constant loop.

But when I met this girl in London, my depression lifted, my heart filled with love again and I felt that this could only be the result of divine intervention. We began chatting and found that we shared the same taste in books and music. That had to mean something, right?

I was crazily, madly, hopelessly in love, but, of film about the girl who dumped you course, I never told her. How could I? She showed no sign that she was interested in me. But I did tell just about everyone else in my class, and one of my friends tipped her off at a party.

This led to an awkward walk to the night bus, but on the way she kissed me and after that everything changed.

We - OK, she - decided soon after that to not use labels. 'Boyfriend/girlfriend,' there would be none of that. Labels equalled possession and this girl was her own woman. And so I went with it. What did I care what we called ourselves as long as she kept calling?

I thought it was modern, cultured - anything other than what it actually was: uncertainty, confusion, detachment. It was a roller coaster. Some days were perfect - I have beautiful memories of us drinking wine, watching bands and sneaking kisses in the elevator at the LSE.

While other days - lots of days - were unforgettably awful. Eventually, she told me what I had always known deep in my heart: that this thing, whatever it was, simply wasn't going to work for either of us.

And so I went back home to the States and found myself right back into the Swedish movies and The Smiths CDs.

The whole thing had been a mistake, I told myself. Divine intervention, my eye. Bored with moping, my friend Michael H. Weber and I decided to channel those energies into something of value. A screenplay.

Reliving every moment of my bitter-sweet, one-sided romance was a cathartic experience for me - and the end result, we were shocked to find, was pretty decent.

The finished film tells it all just as it happened, however embarrassing my puppy-like devotion and however aloof it makes her look.

The setting is changed, as are the names. Tom Hansen - aka me! - is played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt and writes messages for greeting cards. The girl who breaks his heart is Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel), a secretary in the same office.

However, the final denouement is the same. I won't spoil it by giving it away, but there was no storybook ending for Tom and Summer, just as there wasn't for Jenny Beckman and me.
It comes in a stunning moment, drawn entirely from real events, like the rest of the film, which has an unexpectedly powerful impact on Tom and Summer's lives, just as it did on Jenny's and mine.

Thanks to this script and the process of writing it down, I was able to liberate myself from my own misery. I'm two years into another relationship and have never been happier.

One curious footnote, though. After writing the screenplay, I met up with Jenny for the first and only time since we broke up. We had dinner in Venice Beach, California. We talked about life, friends, everything - but not about what had happened between us.

I gave her the script to read on the flight back to London. Some time later she wrote me a letter. She loved the story, she said. It had surprised and moved her because she really related to Tom. Yes, incredibly, Jenny hadn't recognised herself as Summer at all.

(from: The Daily Mail)

1859*

2010-06-25T01:59:00.005+08:00

midterms start tomrorow, and the only thing i'm terribly afraid of - aside from my papers, of course - is my CLB teacher hunting me down for my undone pile of CLB homework.. that i've conveniently lost. (at this point, i can hear lynn patting me on my back, saying 'GOOD JAAARB, LING' as she always do... god i haven't seen her for weeks now.)

june. in the last 30 days, i have let go of time, allowing night and day to converge so much that i no longer have a decent sleep cycle. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night, frightened, lost and not knowing what to do with myself. i have learnt what it is like to completely drown everyone out, to lose myself so completely that it hurts to even resurface. death cab says 'love is watching someone die' and only recently have i truly understood what it meant. a year ago, i remember attending CAP, sitting next to yishu who was listening to her ipod, whom i forced myself to make conversation with because there was something about her that made me want to know more, the same way as you would to some people you've met but never dared to go beyond more than a 'hi' or a 'bye' to. .. and i wanted more than that with someone like her. the first song we listened to together was 'take me to the riot' by stars and 3 days later, we had the 4am gang. i remember days being lighter and happier.. making and listening to 8track mixes, watching movies, catching up on all the books i didn't have time to read, sleeping all day and staying up all night.

this is (quite possibly) my last june hols and i've lost so much, yet learnt so little.

1858*

2010-06-22T00:46:00.003+08:00

Life and How to Survive It
(This was Adrian Tan's speech to the NTU convocation ceremony in 2008)

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You’re going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there’s no life expectancy.

1857*

2010-06-21T04:33:00.006+08:00

Gonna go on, living like I've never met you
And it'll feel wrong at first, but I think I can forget you
Ignore the fact that we sleep no more than three feet apart,
I feel you now, you're all around me, underneath me,
You're all around me, underneath me.

1856*

2010-06-21T00:02:00.004+08:00

i actually dislike it when people attempt to 'explain' my feelings to me. plucking theories right from the air - 'maybe you're too lonely', 'maybe because..', maybe this and maybe that. i HATE it. all i'm trying to say is i just want a listening ear. i just want understanding and the knowledge that i am not going completely mad. that said, if i knew the 'cause' of my 'sadness', i would probably have solved it as i would to a math question. but i don't, and i don't think you know either, so don't.

1855*

2010-06-20T23:01:00.007+08:00

may i never be complete,

may i never be content,

may i never be perfect...

over time, i get sick, hateful and upset of everything.

1854*

2010-06-20T04:17:00.004+08:00

Leigh Lezark, Abbey Lee and Freja Beha?
YES, YES, YES AND YES!!!

1853*

2010-06-20T03:36:00.001+08:00

i'm going to paste a bunch of horoscope shit simply because it is my blog and i can... SKIP THIS ENTRY TNX.

aries: smart, open, willing to tell you exactly where you went wrong, bossy, impulsive, confident. can survive the toughest of circumstances alone and has the ability to bounce right back even after the most gruesome tragedies. plays the role of the female perfectly, but at the same time, capable of doing whatever men can do. possessive, easily suspicious - once hurt, she will be cold to you but if you are good to her, she will be extremely kind, tender, loyal and supportive. enjoys challenges and believes in miracles. though it sounds a little freaky, but miracles do happen in her case.

always respect an aries woman and never try to dampen her zeal, or she will be hurt. though she tries to show that she is very strong, she is as innocent and as vulnerable as a baby. be there to comfort her when she runs up to you after being disappointed with the world. if you stand up to her when she comes to you like this, you will never ever lose her. an aries female will never forgive you if you fail to fight for her.

the aries woman enjoys quiet admiration from their partners and intelligent conversations. the best way to woo her is to throw subtle hints, be a little detached and keep her wondering. the aries woman never yearns for a man's attention. instead, they always get plenty of it, but on the inside, there will always be waiting for the one they cannot have. does not like flattery, be sincere! - too much closeness and sweetness will make her run away. instead, you will have to maintain that delicate balance and still keep the romance alive. once she has decided to commit herself to you, she will be extremely sentimental and very loyal. don't dominate over her and don't let her dominate over you - give her reasons to be proud of you but do not forget to praise her for her talents too. her expectations may be high, but she will also be able to give you double in return.

you will get plenty of reasons to be jealous when you are with an aries female, since she is more comfortable with men than women. however, don't be suspicious of her, or she would be really hurt. she may be possessive, but she does not like to be possessed - she wants her freedom and your complete trust.

in return, she will always be there with you, even if she has to go against the whole world.

1852*

2010-06-20T01:55:00.005+08:00

i think the easiest way to make someone go away, gtfo, leave, etc. is to make the person angry. not happy, not sad, not anything but angry. when someone is angry with me, i tend to get angry and that helps to distract me away from the guilt i feel for making someone leave on purpose. that is why whenever i want someone to leave, i go out of my way to treat them badly simply hoping they would just get a hint, realize the obvious and leave already.

1851*

2010-06-19T02:54:00.004+08:00

Pictures from last Thursday, while I was at town with Mahdi.

After our visit to the Asian Civilizations Museum (which was really nice - we spent 2 hours there without knowing), we went to town where we had Bonchon fried chicken: $5 for 4x thin, crispy, flavoured chicken nomnom, great fries and a cup of carbonated drink. nom nom nom. I think I may actually prefer this over Popeyes'/KFC. Afterwards, as per our usual routine: we went to our favourite corner at Kinokuniya, analysed our old text messages and hung out at Starbucks until peak hour was over.

Meet my new camera heh heh!

I remember when Mahdi and I first met four years ago - when I was 14, and him, 15 - we were thrilled and lived off one another. We met up almost every weekend and when I turned sec 3 and had the same recess periods, we always sat either at the same table or I would sit at the table next to his with my friends from class.

I think the lovely thing about meeting Mahdi is that although we no longer meet up as often as we used to, we never get bored or sick of one another and we never run out of things to talk about... and I hope that never changes.

1850*

2010-06-18T04:20:00.003+08:00

after ___ ________, i felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness. i am so empty to the point where it weighs on me, it becomes heavy and that is when it becomes hard to breathe and painful to live. i can drown upon this heaviness alone, i just have to close my eyes and let everything go and then i will drown. it is like the scene sylvia plath described in 'the bell jar', the one where she flirts with death by swimming too far away from the shore, hoping enough that the heaviness of the world alone, her life, her mind, everything was enough to drown her and when she drowned, she would find the quietness she never found in life. and that is how i feel.

1849*

2010-06-18T01:07:00.001+08:00

1848*

2010-06-17T05:45:00.007+08:00

New drug, thanks to Shu. Shu would make a pretty good dealer if you think about it. Everything she introduces me to, I love and crave to bits. Poetry, music, books, food... and now, Diet Coke. All she has to do now is to start charging everytime she makes a recommendation to someone and she would be milking millions and a step closer to her dream of living in a castle in Scotland.

I've been on freerice.com for the past hour.. Good bye, As for midyears.

1847*

2010-06-12T22:02:00.001+08:00

cut while shaving
by charles bukowski

It's never quite right, he said, the way people look,
the way the music sounds, the way the words are
written.
It's never quite right, he said, all the things we are
taught, all the loves we chase, all the deaths we
die, all the lives we live,
they are never quite right,
they are hardly close to right,
these lives we live
one after the other,
piled there as history,
the waste of the species,
the crushing of the light and the way,
it's not quite right,
it's hardly right at all
he said.

don't I know it? I
answered.

I walked away from the mirror.
it was morning, it was afternoon, it was
night

nothing changed
it was locked in place.
something flashed, something broke, something
remained.

I walked down the stairway and
into it.

(as always, from shu ♥)

1846*

2010-06-12T01:43:00.012+08:00

thursday night, i found myself with yh - elite diver soldier boy who runs after buses really fast - watching 'nightmare on elm street'. it is cold and i wrap myself in an oversized sweater in a bid to protect myself from frozen toes and the likes of freddy krueger on the silver screen. the movie was.. as yh aptly put it, 'made up of a zillion bad decisions'. think: leaving your girl in an empty car while you nip down to the neighbourhood drugstore for pills. think: exploring your dark attic in the middle of the night to look at creepy childhood mementos. major 'don'ts' when you are obviously aware of your being hunted by the forces of evil and darkness...

oh, and one of the characters look like a homeless, dirtier version of robert pattinson.

later, at 4am, i find myself in bed and i am filled with dread for everything. the things i dread about include, but not exclusively, and in no order of sorts: the A levels, my relationships with people in general, the sad realisation that no one is listening. i've come to conclude that, well, doing well for the As has become more of a 'pride' thing for me than anything else.. and i don't really like myself for that :/... that i have a small handful that i would consider 'friends' - the people who are closest to what is ideal - and, at the risk of sounding cliche, these are all the people i would ever need in my life, really. i've spent the last two years weeding out, breaking away from people that 'won't matter in 5 years time' and i think.. i've never been more satisfied with the level of depth i've achieved with the people i trust enough to call friends now. EXAMPLE: FRIENDS DO NOT STAND BY AND WATCH ME GET STRANGLED BY MY EX, THEN UPON CONFRONTED, LIE AND SAY THAT AFOREMENTIONED EX DID NOT LAY A FINGER ON ME AND I WAS 'MAKING UP STORIES TO COOK SYMPATHY'. melodrama and outrage aside, i guess i'm in a better place now.. somewhat.

this morning, i lugged myself out of bed to the tune of 'there is a light that never goes out', courtesy of yishu. $6 well paid for a tall latte and a perfect oatmeal at starbucks for breakfast. shu and i were dressed in matching, colour coordinated outfits today.. right down to our exact same havaianas. i swear we have like, the ESPN or something. she introduced me to coke light and told me about cat spirits and kant/cunt. i like spending time with shu because she's so different from most of the people i spend time with and i really like that. :)

it's 3 now, and i have exactly 2 more days to complete all my CSE revision before embarking on the great arduous journey known as macro economics next week. god give me grace...

1845*

2010-06-10T05:25:00.005+08:00

feeling heavy again..

1844*

2010-06-09T12:22:00.003+08:00

Ewww..

Either you have serious self esteem issues or you just have something against me and you're being terribly cowardly about it.

1843*

2010-06-08T04:25:00.001+08:00

Everyone feels so far away lately.

Sometimes it feels like.. everyone is just so.. caught up with everything else going on around them. It feels like.. they're being taken away from me, they're being sucked away by a hurricane known as life and then they get swept away and by the time I get up, they're just.. gone. Like that. I know that's how life is, and that is how people are, but sometimes I just wish that someone would stay.

Somewhere inside of me there is a part that hurts and I can't really breathe and I just wish all of this will go away. Mood swings, being overtly introspective and quiet, hiding away, disappearing, dying...

I used to think that being sad and being scared were mutually exclusive. I was wrong.

1842*

2010-06-08T03:26:00.004+08:00

hamsters are heads with little characteristics on the head,
a poem by taolin

in florida a giant hamster lays in bed worrying about its future
the hamster has bad eyesight
and many other problems; later that night the hamster drives its car around
listening to sad music; the hamster lightly drums its paws on the steering wheel
the hamster is alone
but not for long: at home three waffle friends quietly wait
inside a countertop oven cooling in the kitchen

the next morning the hamster stands in the shower
the hamster’s upturned paw has a small dab of shampoo on it
this will not be enough shampoo
the hamster feels sarcastic
the hamster’s body and cheeks are warm
from the sunlight through the window
and the hamster is very afraid
it feels so sad so early in the day

in the evening the hamster sits at the computer
watermelon juice and coffee sit by the computer
the hamster drinks all of the coffee
after a few minutes the hamster drinks all of the watermelon juice
the hamster lays its paw atop a neatly folded to-do list; this is a resourceful hamster
with a strong will, a sincere and loving hamster friend, and a confident nature
we do not need to spend any more time or empathy on this hamster

yet we return to the same hamster the next night
the hamster lays in bed on its side at four a.m.
looking at photos of its faraway hamster friend
carefully the hamster places the photos in a neat pile behind its pillow
the hamster remembers when its hamster friend showed its ass
on the side of a mountain; the hamster knows it was good
the hamster knows it was good because it cannot easily remember whose idea it was
that’s how you judge things: if you can or cannot easily remember its source
from now on that’s how you judge things
thank you
good night

(from my gmail drafts.. thanks shu, for all the beautiful poetry ♥)

1841*

2010-06-05T05:04:00.005+08:00

This is what I listen to when it's 5am and I can't sleep and feel lonely.

1840*

2010-06-02T01:03:00.000+08:00

Pictures from Princess Liyanto's birthday!, part 2.(in no chronological order because I'm lazy..)All taken with a disposable cause Mahdi forgot to bring his camera :)

1839*

2010-06-02T00:46:00.004+08:00

Pictures from Liyanto's birthday, part 1.(all taken with shaky mobile phones thanks to Mahdi for forgetting his camera)

1838*

2010-05-31T14:28:00.005+08:00

(from @epicsuperstar's tumblr)
I've been disappearing from a lot of things recently.

(I'm looking for a nice way to say, "I'm out." / I want out.)

1837*

2010-05-31T05:32:00.003+08:00

Wide awake.

Apart from my burning eyes and overall physical exhaustion (think walking in heels for hours and celebrating L's birthday), my mind just isn't switching off... Not helpful when I have a CSE lecture to attend and stay awake for in less than 3hrs. Not that it matters, since I didn't even prepare or print any of the notes I'm supposed to bring anyway. They say the body has a mind of its own and I'm starting to think it's true.

1836*

2010-05-31T01:21:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I still think that the distance between us didn't change a single thing.

Towards the end, it wasn't so hard for me to let you go as I thought it would be. Of course, it was hard, coming to terms with the fact that things between us have Changed. But I gave up simply because I realized the problem no longer lay with me, but you. It's something they've always said - that it's not possible to make someone want to stay with you more than they already do. In the short three years that we have spent close together, it was our conversations that kept me going through the wee hours day after day. The conversations that I've become accustomed to, where we spoke throughout the night, disintegrated to mere short and quick exchanges, mainly of my own engineering and sheer determination. I tried to find what I refused to believe in - that you simply didn't love me as much as I did you - I tried to find you in text messages, in the words we would exchange, the quick glances but you weren't there. You weren't there when I sat on my window, you weren't there the week I stopped eating and you weren't there when I needed you.

I know you've stopped caring a long time ago. But the small things - sidestepping away from my direction, avoiding the places I frequent, leaving the moment I enter - makes me wonder sometimes, just sometimes, if there is still a small part of you that cares. I can't lie and say that I don't care for you anymore - I will always care for you, however much I don't want to admit that.

The presence you have left in my heart is still empty. I leave it vacant, not for you to come back, nor for anyone to ever fill in, but simply because it is easier to be void. Someday, all of this will pass and maybe then you would realize what everything meant for me as it didn't for you.

1835*

2010-05-30T00:23:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday, Liy :)

I love you and I'm glad I'll be seeing you later.

♥

1834*

2010-05-29T16:18:00.004+08:00

You know the line in that Death Cab song, the one that goes "Son, fear is the heart of love"? I'm beginning to think it's true - that it is entirely possible to fear and love so much at the same time.

I need you and our conversations so much recently that it is beginning to scare me. Sometimes I feel so disconnected from everything to the point where I find myself making offhand/meaningless comments in the moments where I do have to talk. I don't understand the kind of capacity I have sometimes for cruelty - the moments when I begin to distance myself from the things I've once felt for.

(I'm so afraid of that happening between us. ... ..)

1833*

2010-05-29T14:53:00.000+08:00

"Maybe because you wanted him to sit with you, but you didn't want to hear what he had to say to you"

Only you can read my mind like that.

1832*

2010-05-24T01:30:00.004+08:00

Old pictures taken by M and L when I was stuck in Sydney last year:

'we find ourselves again,
become lighter than air.'
I live for people that keep me going.

1831*

2010-05-21T00:59:00.004+08:00

I wish you would talk to me again.

I think it would help a little. But you aren't going to, and I'm too afraid to. You told me you would always love me for who I am, but you don't anymore and I don't think you would if you know how I am now.

I still think it's unfair anyway.

1830*

2010-05-18T21:57:00.015+08:00

Going to try to get through this week without missing school but it's Tuesday and I already feel my will faltering and crumbling beneath my feet.

In school, I feel like air - dense enough to stay and exist, but light enough that every time I close my eyes, I feel myself drifting away bit by bit. I know that I am like a ghost, that I have nothing but myself. Sometimes it is painful to be surrounded by so many people, to hear so many voices and words rising around you, above your head, everywhere, and hear and feel nothing but emptiness. I think this is why it hurts. To exist physically but being unable to feel anything at all.

I know my words are clumsy, but recently it is becoming more difficult for me to shape what I feel into the right words, in precise sentences that would speak volumes for me. No more catharsis. Nothing.

I wish I could eat your cancer.

1829*

2010-05-16T03:46:00.002+08:00

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?

1828*

2010-05-14T13:54:00.005+08:00

I haven't been attending school lately. I know I should be attending school, that it isn't right for me to disappear on everything and everyone I've left behind like that and suck up some responsibility for once. I know. I just can't bring myself to be in school anymore, to be around people and their words and try to convince myself that it's okay and I am okay.

I just feel so sad and weary all the time now. I don't expect you to understand.

1827*

2010-05-14T01:02:00.007+08:00

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by...

.
.
.

I can never run away from myself.

1826*

2010-05-10T22:06:00.002+08:00

(Where were you when I needed you?)

1825*

2010-05-07T15:47:00.003+08:00

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."

1824*

2010-04-24T00:44:00.003+08:00

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose,
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose.

Live through this and you won't look back...

1823*

2010-04-18T23:41:00.001+08:00

Guess what, I'm baaaaack...

1822*

2010-04-12T00:09:00.004+08:00

GOLD FISH FACED.

1821*

2010-04-10T22:24:00.004+08:00

Project Love Lost by Paul Barbera
(via Krisatomic)

1820*

2010-04-10T12:15:00.006+08:00

Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream

Saturday morning. G is making breakfast for me because a) he is wonderful and b) I am hungry. Moments like this that make life worth living. Sometimes.

Life is good (aka life is making a little bit more sense now).

1819*

2010-04-08T01:19:00.006+08:00

So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire
Steady my breathing, silently screaming,
"I have to have you now"
Wired and I'm tired
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

- - - - -

I know I'm only 18 and I don't know much, but I'm sure I know what it means when the same feelings and thoughts keep coming back.
It's like one of those times where you think - you don't just think, you're so damn sure that you'll get what you want and that thing is merely fingertips away from you and you can already feel it within your palm, groove and ridges digging into your skin, feeling foreign but familiar at the same time like deja vu... and then you open your eyes, light enters and everything comes to you all at once and in that one moment you feel confusion, comprehension, pain, the flutter before the horrible clench in your heart, the last bits of exhilaration fading away to a distance... and you realise that it isn't there, was never there to begin with and will never be.
I can't decide if what I am feeling right now is because I am truly empty within, or if I am simply breaking apart with emptiness.

1818*

2010-04-06T21:33:00.004+08:00

Major binge episode.

(because I can..)

1817*

2010-04-06T13:20:00.004+08:00

(No words left inside anymore.)

I've been trying to put things together again but I can't seem to do it - put anything together anymore. Most of the time I reach in, try to take a little bit of what I feel and try to put words onto them and just before it escapes my mouth, it disintegrates and leaves itself on my tongue.

Like air.

I CAN'T TALK TO YOU AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

1816*

2010-04-04T23:20:00.002+08:00

This is like a flashback...

1815*

2010-04-04T04:37:00.004+08:00

Conversation between Rahwani and I the other day...

Ling: I have a craving for Frolick.. You know, I think I want to work at Frolick after As! I don't mind cause it means getting to eat Frolick multiple times on a daily basis ^^ But I think Frolick only hires hot girls...
Rahwani: It's okay, Ling. You don't have to be a Frolick girl. You can always be a Sweetalk girl.
Ling: ;_;

1814*

2010-03-28T18:12:00.003+08:00

It's weird.

This constant.. longing and thinking about and sweaty palms and anxiety for this one person who doesn't even want to talk to you. Probably deleted your number, wiped your existence off his world as far as you're concerned.

It's hard.

Fine.

1813*

2010-03-27T06:18:00.006+08:00

(fill in the blanks) you to bits.

1812*

2010-03-27T01:54:00.005+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOHD MOHD. ♥ ♥ ♥

(insert pix spam here)'Oh good lord, I can never be anyone's boyfriend'

Liyana's pressssent :3

(now I have the chanel logo on the back of my wrists, flowers below my collarbone and a cow on my arm. my parents will be so proud.)

1811*

2010-03-23T15:30:00.003+08:00

Darling, there are just as many ways
of saying good bye as there are ways
of letting you go. The boat is narrow
like the width of my heart after
impossible loss, cruel resignation;
the heart you ride in. Love, if this is how
you choose to leave me, let me let you.

1810*

2010-03-21T21:59:00.004+08:00

All I want for my 18th birthday is us.. again. It has been more than a year and I still miss you.

(Surely the last 5 years meant something.)

1809*

2010-03-18T23:19:00.004+08:00

I INTERRUPT MY HIATUS TO EXPRESS MY IMMENSE JOY AND EXCITEMENT BECAUSE I'M GOING FOR KINGS OF CONVENIENCE TMRWWWW!!!!!

1808*

2010-03-12T00:16:00.006+08:00

HIATUS
12.03.10 - 26.03.10
(just in time for my birthday!!!)

...

GP paper tomorrow.(GOD GIVE ME GRACE.)

1807*

2010-03-10T18:06:00.004+08:00

But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me
So I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes

1806*

2010-03-07T21:07:00.002+08:00

Thanks to Eugene, I have a pink twitter bird on my left wrist now.

1805*

2010-03-06T00:58:00.005+08:00

It's Friday night and I ain't got nobody.
Oh, what's the use of making a bed?

I put what I want, when I want, in my body.
I'm never gonna give what I take.

-----

You fucked up my Friday night.

1804*

2010-03-04T17:44:00.001+08:00

Insert picture of myself + Starbucks reindeer cause the youtube video was cutting into the right bar... -_-

1803*

2010-03-04T17:43:00.002+08:00

OMG I WANNA WATCH MEAN GIRLS AGAIN.

Thanks @crankyshit ♥

1802*

2010-03-04T14:16:00.004+08:00

In the words of @epicsuperstar - 'I feel like shit, I feel stupid, I h8 sch'

I am officially in a state of being somewhat kind of stresseddddd and I have no desire to do anything apart from sleeping through my days and staying up all night. I am sick of writing essay after essay about how Churchill addresses feminist concerns with her use of verbal space and why consumption would be horrific to the national economy and punching crunching numbers into my humongous gc.. all of this while trying to balance you on the platter. Doesn't help when my head is constantly pounding and throbbing and I'm sleeping less than 15 hours per week now..

These eyebags are becoming a permanent feature of my face.

If I don't get my grades for the CTs, I WILL DIE.

1801*

2010-03-01T01:45:00.009+08:00

1. ~~Econs competition essay on budget statement 2010~~
2. ~~Econs N93 essays, a)~~ and b)
3. Econs N94 essays, a) and b)
4. Math, misc exercise on statistics
5. Math, probability exercise in revision package
6. ~~GP comprehension on technology + summary + AQ~~
7. ~~GP 2004 comprehension + summary~~
8. Literature, essay on forgetting/memories/distance

This would be a good time to say

I AM SO FUCKED.

P.S. I just realised February ended.
8 more months to go, kids :O

1800*

2010-02-23T01:13:00.005+08:00

"If you are going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But you are also going to fall in love with the way my eyes will smile when Im with you, the way I'll text you in the morning just telling you I hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humourous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible."

(from Atiq)

1799*

2010-02-19T17:19:00.002+08:00

Can't get you out of my mind.

1798*

2010-02-14T22:50:00.004+08:00

All I can think about right now is how fucking hot Ipoh is. I sweat everywhere I go. It's like I'm the next My Little Pony, except unlike the ponies, I don't sweat glitter, I just sweat and smell while I'm at it. If I were a pony, all the other ponies would run away from me.

The only thing I am happy about right now is how people are literally handing out money freely this week. That, and my not being in Singapore = no more swiping of plastic nor handing over my cash feebly due to Moments of Weakness.

Valentine's today. I think I did Valentine's last year. Except I was so worn out, my date sent me home right after lunch. It was so horribly awkward - our friend set us up (never again..) It did result in me having a boyfriend, but I didn't really like him and he kinda bored me.. which kinda led to me not returning texts or calls and him getting the message after some time and I suppose that was the end. I'm quite the Dalai Lama sometimes.

This is for you if you've made it till the end:

♥ ♥ ♥

1797*

2010-02-13T01:40:00.007+08:00

I can't believe she blogged in response to the things I wrote! Why are there so many crazy and deluded people in my life. -_-

Yeah, this post is about you. Please blog in response so that I can have more of an excuse to mock you. You're damn epic HAHAHHA.

1796*

2010-02-11T19:11:00.005+08:00

My stoned out face says: Happy Valentines' everyone! (in advance)
Going off back to my grandparents for CNY.. be back again next Wednesday. :)
Smaller sidenote: MY SAT SCORES ARE OUT AAAAAAH.

1795*

2010-02-10T23:49:00.001+08:00

Did today mean anything to you?

1794*

2010-02-10T00:59:00.003+08:00

Every second, I wish you were here.

1793*

2010-02-10T00:20:00.004+08:00

February has not been kind to me. I have so many things going on in my mind right now. I try to form them into words - tell stories in words rearranged in 36 letters but nothing ever comes.

The best part of my day is the bus ride back home. It is strange, but I feel much better, almost relieved, when I am left completely alone. Sometimes when people do try to enter, pry open the little cracks against my skin and try to take me in, it hurts. I let them because trust comes so easily to me; but when the time comes and the inevitable happens, it stings. Then the words try to come up but they get all stucked up in my throat when all I want to tell you is: I love you so much, please hold onto me like I've held onto you.

Sometimes I just want to hide myself within my own skin and disappear forever.

1792*

2010-02-08T11:39:00.003+08:00

"You know, I dream sometimes about flying. It starts out like I'm running really, really fast. I'm like, superhuman. And the terrain starts to get really rocky and steep. And then I'm running so fast that my feet aren't touching the ground. And I'm floating, and it's like this amazing, amazing realness. I'm free. I'm safe. Then I realize... I'm completely alone. And then I wake up."

1791*

2010-02-06T04:08:00.005+08:00

So I was drooping like a half wilted daisy that refuses to die, heavy with sleep under my lids when I fucking slammed right into the keyboard and NOW I AM WIDE AWAKE.

What now?

P.S. My head really hurts.

1790*

2010-02-04T20:17:00.007+08:00

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...
- - -
I need to start sleeping again. Perhaps, only then will I get my strength to 1) run for world president (I promise that I will authorize firearms to all J2s) and 2) rob a bank for Placebo tickets. I take that back. I meant 'ticket'. I need a musical soul mate. Someone whose ears tremble to the same things as mine, you know - 'With mics in hand, we'll stand against the test of time..'

I can't believe I am missing Calvin Harris on top of this.

Today was rather horrible. I woke up with a cold, stumbled around in the dark and felt as if I was as old as a tree. In between the routines that take me from my bed to school, I think about people and their words come to me from a hazy fog in my mind.. 'but what does he mean when he says,' / 'it was almost as if it was there waiting for you,' / 'i think you're looking too much into things'. I spit fluoride paste, I rinse. I feel like death all over again.

In school, surrounded by people, I am lost in my own dreary thoughts. I think too much and sometimes it feels as if I am light as air, far from the heavy knots gathered in my heart and sometimes it is as if I am leaking and forming a small puddle around myself. I think.. that if I try hard enough, I may just disappear.

At the end of every day, I lie in bed, defeated.

1789*

2010-02-04T02:24:00.002+08:00

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...

.
.
.

Fuck this I'm damn emo.

1788*

2010-02-04T00:44:00.006+08:00

If I were made of water, and all that is within me - love, anxiety, sadness, phobias - is entirely composed in liquid molecules, then I would say that I have evaporated.

1787*

2010-02-02T19:05:00.004+08:00

inspired by @epicsuperstar + not wanting to finish my econs homework =
fooling around with the burst function of my webcam \m/

1786*

2010-02-02T00:47:00.002+08:00

chxnliying ♥ says:
I need to tell you something.
mahdi says:
okay
mahdi says:
YOU HAVE A PENIS
mahdi says:
I KNEW IT
chxnliying ♥ says:
-_-
chxnliying ♥ says:
YOU SECRETLY WANT ME TO FUCK YOU
chxnliying ♥ says:
I KNEW IT
chxnliying ♥ says:
♥
mahdi says:
HAHAHHSHHS SHUT UP

couldn't help myself there...

p.s.: ♥ you to bits, Mahdi.

1785*

2010-01-31T22:34:00.005+08:00

Sxftrevolution x -Takaki-